If you watched Episode 2, you probably noticed I gave myself a D.
Not exactly the inspiring ending people expect LOL.
But that's kind of the point of this series. I'm not just documenting my wins.
I'm documenting what happens when I intentionally put my nervous system into situations that feel uncomfortable and then pay attention to what it does.
This week's challenge was a fashion show.
Now, if you know me, fashion shows aren't really my thing. I don't dislike them, they just don't spark my interest. But someone in my family was participating, and I wanted to support her.
So I went.
Within about five to ten minutes, my nervous system wanted to leave. I mean granted, I wasn't thrilled about going anyway but I psyched myself up for it.
Nothing bad happened. No one was rude. No one made me feel unwelcome.
There wasn't some dramatic moment. I just... wanted out.
Now, years ago, I probably would've listened to that feeling without questioning it and found some reason to go.
Today, I see it differently.
Instead of asking, "Why do I want to leave?"
I'm starting to ask,
"What is my nervous system trying to protect me from?"
I remembered why I didn't like these things but interesting thing I noticed... what I don't like is "feeling judged" when as I reflected, that was exactly what I was doing.
That dang mirror principle :)
My nervous system was protecting me from an old belief system I have carried of "not be accepted" as a kid. I felt this in school, in my community, etc.
Now, I didn't become reactive when my body went into surivial mode, I stayed. And, I stayed for over two hours.
On paper, that sounds like a success. But if I'm being honest... I didn't stay because I pushed through fear. I stayed because I wasn't going to leave before my family member was finished.
There's a difference.
And that's why I gave myself a D. Not because staying wasn't hard. But because I don't want to confuse endurance with transformation.
The biggest lesson wasn't about staying. It was about something much harder to admit.
I noticed myself feeling stuck up.
That word felt uncomfortable even writing it because that's not how I see myself. But if someone had watched me from across the room, that's probably the impression I would've given.
Quiet.
Closed off.
Distant.
Hard to approach.
That is not who I am nor how I want people to feel around me. That realization hit me harder than anything else that night.
How many times have I assumed someone was cold, when they were actually anxious?
How many people have assumed I wasn't interested, when I was simply overwhelmed?
How often do we judge behavior, without understanding the nervous system underneath it?
This experience didn't feel like progress. It felt like a mirror. And maybe that's what growth actually looks like. Not always feeling stronger.
Sometimes seeing yourself more clearly in situations you don't normally expose yourself to.
This challenge taught me something.
Staying longer isn't enough. My next challenge isn't simply to remain in the room.
It's to become more open while I'm there. To ask more questions. To get curious. To move toward connection instead of waiting for connection to happen.
Because awareness without different behavior,well, is just awareness. And that's not why I'm doing this series. I'm doing it to become someone different.
One uncomfortable experience at a time.
If you're interested in personal growth, nervous system regulation, and creating a more aligned life after 40, you may also enjoy exploring these topics:
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